So the unbelievable happened this week. I didn’t gain any weight immediately following graduation festivities! I was a solid 207 until yesterday morning….That’s when the weight started to come back on. This morning I weighed 210. The first time my BMI said I was Obese since May 2011. Needless to say all of my insecurities rushed back. People would think I’m fat, I wouldn’t fit into my clothes, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with others playing sports, etc., etc., etc.,
For anyone who has gone through regaining weight, it is quite a struggle and more so in a mental way than a physical. For example, I know how to lose weight, every part of me knows the choices I need to make to get back on track, but for some reason there is something holding me back.
Today, I realized more of what that was. As many people will blog about, there is an emotional and mental journey one must take in the process of losing weight. I never understood that. I have always been driven to improve and change myself, but I felt like exactly the same person after as I did before. My perception of myself, my looks and abilities as well as my emotional feelings hadn’t changed much. This was good and bad. I never lost my roots or groundings of the person that I was, but I think to some extent, it also held me back. The same insecurities (mentioned above) continue (d) to haunt me. For this last year, I have still worried about other people’s perception of me, whether I was running enough or fast enough, whether I was attractive and so on.
What, I have come to realize, through conversation with a friend and some thought, is that while insecurity and doubt can fuel great changes such as losing weight it is important, no, NECESSARY, to understand where it is coming from. External Insecurity, seems to be a negative driving force. A force created by your perception of what is surrounding you. My lesson, and I hope it is useful or helpful for you in some way, is that the insecurity and doubt that affects my motivation should come internally rather than externally. It should come from not being satisfied because I am not the best I could be, not from comparing myself with others.
It is time to continue making positive strides and changes for myself.